Ye So Little Faith ..

 

June 9 2013

Ye so little faith....

On a good day I can say I'm okay.. take a deep breath to relax.. and almost believe it... but on a bad day I just want my hearing the way it was and the problems I'm having to go away... I'm not coping very well I'm afraid.... yesterday was a very bad day... which makes the ringing in my ears twice as bad on those days...and nights.. like tonight...

 

It's been a while now since the surgeries.. I honestly thought it would be all better within a week or two after surgery but.. it's June now and close to two months of still having hearing problems the doctor just can't explain...

 

I do notice some improvements like noticing a plane sound in the sky now.. and hearing traffic up to two blocks if I listen closely...I was thrilled both times when I noticed these improvements...something most would not even care about but to me it opens my world up a little more from how small it got..

 

A few weeks ago I wasn't going anywhere.. and really secluding myself from the world just because sounds were so painful.. irritating and really unable to handle all the information over load ... now with my protective hearing devices I do so much more and so thankful for that.. however

 

I use the ability of doing more as a way of coping with how it all makes me feel because meditation I'm afraid doesn't make the ringing in my ears stop... 'I just want it to stop for 5 minutes.. just 5 minutes.. a huge request I'm afraid... so I have taken to exhausting myself in my work and studies.. but at what cost?

 

Yes..it has reduced me to tears at times. its like I'm still in a bit of shock...one minute normal.. whatever normal is... the next a life turned upside down.. I'm suddenly a person with a disability...and still trying to learn how to cope with it all... still very determined to be independent me.. and I think that was my lowest point.. when I had to count on others to help me just be safe.. I couldn't go for a walk by myself or shopping.. work was difficult and still is at times...

 

Those close to me say they have faith in time the nerve damage will heal even more and I will be back to me.. I'm glad someone has faith.. I can't seem to remember where I put mine...