Hope is all we have

After being forced into a medical leave from work those first few weeks were very difficult to cope with; for me working is my sanity through all this. Imagine for a moment someone blowing a whistle in your ears all day and all night. Most cannot stand it after a few minutes yet those like me who suffer from tinnitus and hyperacusis are forced to deal with it...

Now imagine you had to deal with it every day, every minute every hour. Just because night comes, it doesn't stop. It is just the opposite, it gets worse. Imagine going without sleep, a constant ringing in your ears, coping with everyday life with not only hearing (that whistle in your ears that won't stop) but also all the sounds of the day are louder; some quite painful so painful you can't bear hearing them. Now add the people around you talking, traffic moving, a door shutting, a phone ringing, someone bursts out in laughter.

Now imagine you are you and not me! It's nice isn't it?

Hope is all a person like us has. We can't stop it! Doctor after doctor tells you the same thing, drink lots of water, don't get dehydrated, don't get stressed, stay away from certain foods, sounds that are painful, don't over exert yourself, rest. All the while you wonder why they are called a doctor...

Today a new hope comes to me, hope that I don't want to believe in but cannot turn away from. Every time we allow ourselves to hope, we get let down. The ringing in the ears is still there, that door shutting is still painful. The sound from your own refrigerator is still painful. You can't even find comfort in your own home. You can lessen the pain by controling as much of the environment around you but you can't make it all go away.

'At some point you have to accept this unseen disability that can cripple you, bring you to tears and tears there are.'

When I was working out in the world, every day was a challenge dealing with the tinnitus that never stops. It's difficult at best to stay focused on the person in front of you when a ringing in your ears dominates the conversation. Add several other people around talking; whether it is to you or not, your mind does not dismiss it with the other surrounding sounds, those also chime in.

Every day was exhausting to get through, Each day I'd take a break walk into the bath just to get away from the noise of it all and when I say it all I mean.. 'the world around me'. I'd take a deep breath, fight back the tears and tell myself, 'you can do this'. Then I'd go back to doing my job. I hid it well I think, now and then a few people would ask me if I was okay and I'd say yes but I really wasn't. I would go so deep into my work that I was found at time unsocial I'm afraid.

The day I found out I was to leave work because of the medical issues, I was both happy and sad. Happy to flee from the sounds that were so painful to me but sad because it was one more thing this had taken away from me. I loved my work, even the people around me, some were more difficult to deal with than others but I'll just call that a moment of weakness do to my disability before all this happened I could deal with most in a very tactful manner.

So while I am not looking forward to another let down like the last, where my medical coverage covered the doctor visit but not the tinnitus retraining therapy or the directional retraining therapy. I still hold on to hope that each day I will get stronger and my coping skills will get better and I will take my life back. Until then don't mind the tears and the tissues (puff with lotion is my favorite) in case you need to know.

I don't use the phone anymore except when I truly must because it causes me pain. Most people communicate with me through a text or face to face in a quiet environment. I am working again as a writer. I enjoy it very much! It helps keep my mind busy and it gives me the feeling of some form of independence.

I hope I can bring you good news when I talk to this new specialist next.... 

'Until then keep pushing onward and upward cause when you're down there's nowhere else to go but up.'